


Already Gone

by Valsnotebook



Series: Moving On [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Adultery, Bottom Dean, Closet Dean, Dean POV, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, One Shot, Smut, Top Castiel, lisa/dean is only minor, non endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-07 06:15:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7703668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valsnotebook/pseuds/Valsnotebook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say you can never forget your first love. But what happens when you meet him after 14 years?</p><p>From the story:</p><p>"Castiel had been out of his life for 14 years, which is almost half his life. And they didn't meet before they were 11, so it was 25 years without Castiel against 7 years they've been friends, and only 2 of them as a couple.<br/>Mathematically speaking, he shouldn't be having this problem. Time was supposed to heal everything, right?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Already Gone

_Remember all the things we wanted_

_now all the memories they're haunted_

_we were always meant to say goodbye_

 

 

 

Dean never liked big cities. He learned to appreciate San Francisco, sunny and fun like California, but not as crazy as Los Angeles, for Sam's sake during his years staying at Stanford. New York, instead, felt just like chaos and he couldn't believe people actually enjoyed living there. If it was up to him, he'd never gone there in the first place, but Sam asked him to and he couldn't really say no.

 

“New York? Can I come too?” had begged Lisa, but he made up a lie about how he had looked forward to spend some alone time with his brother. It wasn't really a lie, but they both knew that excuse didn't stand and no one tried to discuss it again.

Dean didn't know why he had to act like an ass with his wife so many times and felt like shit because she, instead, put a lot of effort to make their marriage work and still believed it was worth it. He didn't as much, but loved her enough to try to do his part. And when he failed, like this time, she would just harshly stare at him and keep all kinds of rage for herself. Dean still didn't know how she managed, but it sure as hell made him feel a lot worse than if she'd just yelled for hours.

 

He tried not to brood too much on why in the hell he'd lie for no good reason to Lisa, and left the next Thursday.

 

Deciding to fly in wasn't easy, but he couldn't take more days off work only to avoid his silly fear.

When he arrived at the airport, Sam was there waiting for him, and Dean was about to cry like a baby at his sight; they hadn't seen each other for so long. His brother moved from California to New York after he finished law school to work for some fancy firm, and months had passed since their last encounter. With Dean working extra shifts at the garage -he and Lisa decided they'd start to try having a baby- and Sam having to adjust, they just waited. But Dean missed Sam more than anything in the world and had to fight the urge to run and hug him.

It wasn't just Sam himself that made him feel nostalgic, but the life he used to have when they were young and still lived together. The more time passed, the more he realized that maybe marrying Lisa was, in fact, too rushed and he probably was just trying to play at being an adult.

He controlled himself and sped up his pace only a little bit, but couldn't help throw his arms at Sam as soon as he reached him.

 

“Heya Sammy”

“It's Sam” he whispered back into his ear, and Dean just enjoyed the moment for a few more seconds before letting go.

“So, how are you doing?”

“Dean, we talk every week over the phone.”

“Yeah yeah, I know, but... it's not the same thing in person, you know?”  
“I guess. Anyway, everything's okay now. My flat's small, but at least I don't have to put up with roommates. And I started dating this girl I told you about a couple of times, Jessica, and... you know. Not many news besides that. How 'bout you?”

 

By then, they were waiting for a taxi outside the airport.

 

“Yeah, well, Lisa and I... we're trying”

“You mean _trying_ trying?”

“Uhm, yeah.”

“That's fantastic, Dean! I'm gonna be an uncle!”

And there it goes another hug, that almost made them lose a taxi to another person. Dean's not even half excited as Sam at the moment, but he's glad he can get another hug out of it.

 

Once they've settled Dean's stuff, which consisted in a bag, in Sam's room, they made plans for dinner.

 

“Wanna go out or order some pizza? We can't stay out too late though, I have to work in the morning. I promise tomorrow night we can celebrate properly”

“There's nothing to celebrate... yet. And we can stay in, don't worry.”

“Okay good, I'm gonna call my favorite place. Make yourself at home.”

 

Dean went to take a shower while Sam finished tidying up the small kitchen corner. Water pressure wasn't as good as his own back home, but still did the job of shutting everything out.

 

He hadn't realized what getting Lisa pregnant meant until Sam said the word 'uncle'. That was going to be his life, being a father: having family meals, family trips, birthdays, Christmas, Disney World, school, helping with homework, football games or dance rehearsal and so on. He could be actually excited about that part, but as soon as Lisa entered the picture, suddenly everything was a little less appealing. He agreed on the whole deal to please her, because she deserved it; she only ever insisted on one thing and he didn't feel like turning her down. Although he didn't understand how she could ask for something like a baby despite the increasing discussions and arguing they were having. Obviously there were good days too, but he didn't think they were enough yet to take another step: but maybe that was the very reason she asked. When they were both feeling okay, they made a pretty good team, and maybe for the sake of the baby they' d manage to put any doubt aside and play the loving family. That must have been her plan, and it was actually a great plan.

He was only afraid he was going to screw it up. Afraid to let her down once again, afraid they'd be a couple only in photos, but end up sleeping as far as possible from each other by night. He didn't want his son or daughter to grow up in a fake world, so he decided he was going to do his best.

Maybe he just needed these few days alone to set his mind straight and once he'd come back, he'd be ready to make things right. He felt a rush of positive energy and mentally blessed Lisa for being so patient with him. He was going to be husband of the year from now on.

 

“Dean! You okay there?”

 

So apparently he lost track of time and the delivery guy was faster, because when he got out of the bathroom the whole place smelled like pizza.

 

“What happened, man, you fell asleep?”

“Shut up, I was thinking”

 

Sam just shook his head, and they bot sat at the table which separated the kitchen area from the living room one. Half way through the meal, Sam just lit up out of nowhere.

“I forgot to tell you! Guess who I met last week?”

“Uh, I don't know, Becky?”

“Oh God, man, no! She was a stalker, but to follow me all the way from San Francisco? Not that crazy. No, no... someone you personally know”

“I don't know dude, all my friends live in Lawrence with me”

“Not all. Okay, I thought you'd guess, but anyway. I was in a bar with Jess last Saturday night and I bumped into... Castiel! Can you believe it?”

 

Dean choked on the sip of beer he'd just taken and coughed a lot before he croaked.

“What!?”

“I know, right? I almost didn't recognize him. Bu the he just said 'Sam' with his voice, which by the way got even lower, and it just felt like I traveled in time to fifteen years ago, you know? Anyway, we had some drinks together. He wasn't very chatty, but it was nice. Did you know he's a professor at NYU? He gave me some tips on how to move around the city, and then...”

 

Dean's head was about to explode, right after his heart.

Castiel.

 _Cas_.

He hadn't let himself think about him for years. Or at least, he tried. Hell, he was 32 now and the last time they saw each other they were 18. Right before Cas took off to go to college, at the very same NYU where he now was teaching.

Castiel.

His first best friend, his first and only boyfriend, his first love. The only person that made him dream big, that almost convinced him to leave Kansas and build a better future for himself. The only person around whom he acted like his true self. Everything was suddenly coming back at him.

It hurt like it their last fight was just yesterday.

He tried not to show his feelings, and apparently he was a great actor because Sam didn't stop talking.

 

“... anyway, when I told him about your wedding, he went stone cold. It was a bit weird. I thought he knew, I mean, you guys were like bestest friends, right? You always hung out together. I thought he couldn't make it to the wedding, but apparently he knew nothing. Why didn't you invite him?”

  
Dean didn't know if he was able to speak without his throat closing completely as a protest, but he attempted as he didn't have much of an option.

“We, uhm, lost track of each other after high school, so it would have been a bit weird to invite him out of the blue, you know?”

“Yeah, he kinda said the same thing. Still, I think you should totally catch up. He told me on Tuesdays and Fridays he's in his office, so you could go visit him tomorrow. You'll be by yourself all day anyway, I really need to work so I can be free during the weekend.”

“I dunno, I'll thing about it.”  
“Great. And, by the way, now you can start eating again.”

 

Dean considered his half eaten slice of pizza in his plate and felt like throwing up. And his usual coping method was eating, so this must have been really bad.

 

“Uhm, I think I'm okay. I'm super tired though, I worked early in the morning so that I could fly in the afternoon. I think I'm gonna hit the couch.”

“Yeah, sure. Give me a minute to clean up here.”

“I gotta use the bathroom anyway.”

 

He closed himself there and washed his face.

Castiel.

He had only dreamed about the guy a few times, but he learned how to ignore it. And whenever he'd think about him, he managed to make it go away before panicking.

 

Now it was all coming back to him, more vivid than ever. The kisses, the conversation, the way he'd get excited just knowing they were about to meet. The hiding, staying late in Dean's car, fooling around. Writing each other notes in class, holding hands. Well, holding hands only when they went out of town.

 

What a dick he'd been, keeping Cas a secret. Keeping a secret the best thing that's ever happened to him.

 

He remembered their first time (which wasn't Dean's first per se, but first time with a guy) and the many after that. He wished he hadn't wasted so much time trying to deny his feelings, sleeping around with other girls and hurting both of their hearts.

It was too much to handle, and after washing his teeth he wore his pajama and passed out on the couch right away, as if his brain needed a temporary shut down before risking an explosion. Better than staying up all night.

Sam looked at him from the open door of his bedroom and wondered what could have happened with that Castiel to ruin Dean's mood so much.

 

 

When Dean woke up the next morning, Sam had already left. He stood up and walked around the place. There was a moderate bookcase and a small tv, a couch, a big chair, a table where they had dinner and the kitchen area with all its elements. He found post it with instructions for breakfast, and he gladly finished the coffee Sam had left on the table. He then took a bowl, poured in some cereal and then milk. It was past 9 and he had slept more than ten hours, but he still felt like he needed to rest. Half-way through his cereals, it hit him.

_Castiel._

It was like receiving constant punches in his stomach and the lungs too didn't want to work anymore.

He had to decide what to do with Sam's information, before he got on the verge of a panic attack.

 

Castiel had been out of his life for 14 years, which is almost half his life. And they didn't meet before they were 11, so it was 25 years without Castiel against 7 years they've been friends, and only 2 of them as a couple.

Mathematically speaking, he shouldn't be having this problem. Time was supposed to heal everything, right?

And yet, there he was. Freaking out at the sole thought of meeting Cas.

Without even realizing it, he had his phone in his hands and was searching how to get to NYU.

It wasn't complicated.

But what was he going to do? Go there and say what?

“ _Hi, I just wanted to see what's your life like”_

 

That didn't make sense. And wasn't even true.

What good could come out of them meeting? They've both done fine up until then, why ruin what they achieved in all those years apart? Besides, maybe Castiel didn't even want Dean anywhere near him. Their last conversation wasn't that loving. He could have punched Dean in the face as soon as he'd seen him.

 

Even though he still had to make up his mind, his body was one step ahead and suddenly he was locking the door and getting out of the building. He followed the phone instructions on how to get to the campus, zoning out completely from the rest of the city and the people that were using public transports as him.

His attention was only captured by a couple of guys sitting next to each other, discussing summer plans and talking about each others families' possible reaction to their proposal of spending the whole month together. They weren't worried, just being realistic about their parents apprehension. They were pretty young to travel by themselves.

 

Dean thought about his summers with Castiel. Always finding excuses to tell his parents, never bringing Cas over more than once every two weeks, and making it look as casual as possible every time that happened. He still couldn't believe how Cas found the strength to put up with that shit. Unlike Dean, he had been ready to come out from the start, but kept their relationship a secret, satisfying his boyfriend's wish.

And still, after all this years, no one knew about them.

Dean didn't know why he was so scared; he trusted his family, he knew they'd love him anyway. He just couldn't share it, it felt like revealing he was a completely different person.

 

Caught in his memories, he almost lost his stop. He got off the train and walked a little until he was in front of the main entrance of the university. Surrounded by much younger people, he went straight to the first info point he found.

There were two students that looked like they wanted to be anywhere but there.

“Hello”  
“Hello sir, how can I help you?”

Damn, that sir hurt.

“I was just wondering if you could point me to professor Novak office direction:”

“Uhm, yeah, but do you have an appointment with him?”

“Not really... do I need one?”

“He always tells his students or colleague he doesn't know well, to make appointments at least three hours earlier. He's very strict about that.”

“Well, I'm not a student, I personally know him and I just wanted... to chat a little.”  
“Oh, then I guess you have nothing to lose. Go on and try. You should find him”

 

 _You have nothing to lose_. He did, in fact, have nothing to do with Castiel anymore. The only thing they shared where some memories.

He followed the girl's directions, passing through some hallways and arrived in front of a closed door with a simple and elegant sign on it.

 

 _Professor_ _Cas_ _tiel Novak_.

 

He looked at the door for several minutes.

On the other side of the door, there probably was Castiel; all grown up, behind a desk with few papers on and a laptop. Behind his black chair, a small shelf with all his academic books, everything clean and in order.

He imagined he'd be wearing a shirt, maybe a light blue one, but with the sleeves a little rolled up to make him more comfortable.

His face wasn't going to be the young one he remembered, yet his eyes couldn't have changed. He really hoped they didn't; and not just their color, but their sparkle, their intensity, their ability to see through lies and fake. He wasn't sure he was prepared to face all of that: he should have spent more time to consider what he was getting into.

He raised his fist, almost ready to knock, but then he just rested it on the door and let it slide down, making no sound. How could he do that. Why would he do that.

They were both perfectly fine, they didn't need to see each other and mess up their systems.

 

 _Closure, Dean, closure_ , whispered a voice in his head. Yeah, closure, but did he really need that?

It's not like his life stopped after Castiel, it's not like he couldn't function without that overrated closure. Yes, he sometimes dreamed what their life would have been if he made different choices, but his mind was very capable to send all of that in the denial part of his conscience, and he could have gotten by just like that.

Still, deep down, he knew knocking on that door was the right thing to do: maybe destiny made Sam and Castiel run into each other, and maybe destiny decided now it was his turn.

Maybe he was doing it now and not years ago because he just needed time to prove that he was a perfectly happy person who didn't need to dwell in his past, and now he reached a whole new level of adulthood which allowed him to make peace with one of the most important persons in his life.

 

He had to do it.

And if Castiel had punched him right in the face, he would have survived.

He raised his fist again, in a much less trembling way, and this time he was going to do it. He only needed to knock, like, twice; it wasn't that difficult.

His hand was just about to hit the smooth wood, when he felt someone touching him on his left shoulder from behind.

It was just a tap.

Firm, but educated.

 

Dean panicked.

 

_Please, don't be him._

 

“Hello, were you looking for me? I don't believe we've met.”

 

Yes they've met, just about 21 years ago.

Someone who was born the day they met could now legally drink. That's how long ago they met.

Castiel – no doubts it was him – was still behind him, and Dean knew he had to turn around. Turn around and face him.

 

“Actually, I believe we did.” He was still in front of the door, but he heard Castiel's surprised and confused sound. He couldn't face it, though.

The hand made its way back to his shoulder, and this time it gripped it and turned Dean around, maybe a little too fast, a little too strong.

From his boots, Dean looked up to see the face of the man in front of him.

 

“Dean.” He said, with a low but shaky voice, as his eyes, wonderful blue eyes, leered on his face.

“Heya, Cas.”

 

 

 

They found themselves sitting in Castiel's office which, by the way, was exactly as Dean had imagined it. Just fancier.

 

“So...” he said, passing his hand through his hair.

“How are you?”

 

Castiel got almost cought off guard from that simple question.

“I am doing well, very well, thank you. I'm a literature professor, but you evidently already knew that.”

“Uhm, yeah. I'm staying at Sam's for a couple of days, and he told me you guys met. Sorry I stalked you all the way to your workplace, though.”

“That's not... a problem.” Cas attempted a smile and, even if it was a courtesy one, it calmed Dean's heart a little. They sat quietly for a couple of seconds, Castiel staring at Dean, and Dean looking at anywhere but him.

 

“You know, I took an airplane to get here. It was the first time I didn't freak out.”

“I'm glad.” Castiel answered politely, and by then they were both thinking about the time Cas had to secretly hold Dean's hand, or harm, or knee, for a whole flight.

Then, Castiel broke the silence.

“I'm sorry Dean, I don't mean to sound rude, but... is there a particular reason why you decided to meet me today?”

 

And well, that was a fair question. Dean should have expected that, or better, he should have managed to explain himself before getting to that question.

But he honestly couldn't answer, because he didn't know.

 

“I just... last night Sam talked about you, and I thought that maybe we should meet. To talk. Catch up. And maybe have a nice new memory of our goodbye. I mean, now that we both cooled down...”

“It took you 14 years to cool down.”

“No...”  
“So after 'cooling', you needed Sam to remind you of me. No thought about us before.”

“No Cas, of course I-”  
“Don't call me that.”

“What?”

“Cas.”  
“Of course. _Castiel_ , I didn't meant anything of what you've implied. It just never felt like the right time. And besides, you never made a move either.”  
“You told me you never wanted to see me again.”

 

Well, that was true. But still, Castiel's attitude was starting to irritate him.

“Yeah, I did. But I mean, we were fighting so bad. You can't believe I really meant...”

“I did.”

 

Okay, no excuses for Dean.

 

“Listen, I also came to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way we broke up, sorry for giving up on us so soon. Sorry for never coming out. Of course I've been thinking about it, I've tried not to, but...”  
“Have you told your wife?” And God, if it cut like a blade the way he said wife.

“Told her what?”

“That you're bisexual.”  
“No, I didn't feel the need. And honestly, it's none of your buisness.”  
“Of course it's none of my buisness, I didn't even know you had a wife. Anyway, yes, please, go on about how sorry you are for not coming out at the time. For making me feel like your dirtiest secret, a filthy guilty pleausure.”

“You were never that.”  
“And yet I was, wasn't I?”

 

Silence, again.

Castiel was being a total dick, but maybe Dean deserved it.

He never fully realised how cruel he'd been with Castiel, but apparently that's what the other had been thinking for all these years. A closet case that had ruined his teenage era.

How could he blame him?

For a second, he just whished he could meet his past self and punch him right in the gut.

What an asshole. And he still was, because Castiel was still a secret even to his brother, who knew every inch of Dean's soul.

 

Now Dean was looking at both of his hands playing with themselves nervously, and said.

“I know Cas... _tiel_. I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry. For what is worth, if I could, I'd never do the same mistakes. I seriously regret them. I-”

“Hold on Dean,” Cas sighed. “everything's fine. I just didn't expect to meet you, so I came off too strong and harsh. I apologise. But yes, I would like to patch things with you very much. Resentment and anger can't do anything good, right?”

And so Castiel bowed toward Dean and took his hand. They look into each others eyes for a while, holding their hands.

Cas's hand was cold, as usual, while Dean's whole body was boiling.

At that point, Dean could only cover Cas's hand with the free one he had left. But then, Castiel suddenly slipped away, retiring his owns.

 

“So, I am able to say we are okay now, right? If that's so, I'm afraid I must beg you to leave. I'm not supposed to do as I please when I'm at work”

 

 _What?!_ That was it?

“Yeah, yeah, I'll leave... Just.”

 

Dean glazed at him, hoping he'd changed his mind. He had nothing to say, but didn't want to leave.

He was aware that would have been the last time they'd seen each other, and he just stayed still, trying to impress every single detail into his mind, for further memory. He could live the moment only once, and he wanted to take everything out of it. And then, as Cas shifted on his chair, Dean stood up and rest his arms on the desk separating them, leaned in and kissed him.

 

Once again, his body decided how to move before his mind.

 

It was a kind kiss at first, not sure if Cas wanted the same thing, but after a few seconds the other man gave in, opening his mouth and responding gently to Dean's initiative.

 

Once upon a time, they used to be very good at this: they knew how to move around each other's mouths, how to make their tongues meet, how to pleasure the other. It's one of the things you'd think you could never forget, but they did, and now they were both scared as they tempted to easy in the kiss.

 

Cas stood up as well, without breaking the kiss, allowing their mouths a better angle. Since the desk was still between them, Cas crawled on it and with his knees on it, he was now just a little bit taller than Dean, but much closer to him. He put his hands on his face and pulled him in, as if it was necessary. Dean gasped at Cas's move, and put his hands on the guy's hips. There wasn't anything standing between their bodies anymore, and Dean helped Castiel move so that he could sit on the desk and grasp Dean's body with his legs. They were still kissing, but now the kiss was more passionate, more urgent, wet, loud, messy.

Cas's lips then moved from Dean's down to his jaw, sucking and licking, making their way to his neck, his hands resting on the handsome guy's chest, provoking a very low and whispered

“ _Cas_ ”

 

Dean moved his hips toward Cas's, hands on his back, and making their crotches meet. Both of them exhaled, and Castiel gently pushed away Dean, catching his breath, right after Dean was starting to get hard.

 

“What' wron-”

“Dean. You can't just... act on impulse. Do you want to go on?”

 

Dean suddenly remembered Lisa. Sweet Lisa, who stayed at home alone because of him. But the thought didn't make him feel as bad as it should have. He didn't regret the kiss and he did wanted more, one last time, as wrong as it was.

“I'm sure, Cas. If you want to.”

 

Castiel didn't seem as convinced anymore and got out of Dean's area, taking his phone out of his pocket and typing something.

“I... yes. But not here. I'm texting my boss. We can go to my place, it's very near.”

 

Dean nodded, thrilling as he realized how serious he was being.

He was many things, but not a cheater. Still, this didn't feel like cheating. This felt right, he felt like he owed this to himself. He agreed on spending the rest of his life with a wife, so he could indulge in this.

 

He followed Castiel into his car, and silently watched him driving. He used to be the one driving them around in his father's car, but Cas at the wheel was a view he should have considered more before.

 

They entered a beautiful building and took the stairs, arriving at the first floor where Cas's apartament was.

Dean observed the owner unlocking the door, and remembered when they used to sneak out in Castiel's big house in the middle of the night, trying not to wake his parents up.

 

“Dean, if you're having second thoughts just say it. I don't want to cause problems.”

“I'm okay, what about you? You seeing anybody?”

“My fiance's out for a worktrip.”

 

 _Fiance_. That word hurt more than being stabbed in the back, and he couldn't even imagine what effect his wedding must have had on Castiel.

 

Dean nodded, and asked

“And are you sure... I don't want to mess up your life”  
“You already have.”

  
And they kissed, as they closed the front door and moved to Castiel's bedroom.

Once in there, they looked into each other's eyes, bright green melting with deep blue.

Dean's hands started to unbotton Cas's shirt -which was white and not light blue- as he softly left kisses on his right cheek. It was such a simple gesture, almost innocent, and it made Castiel feel like Dean still cared about him, actually cared, and that he wasn't just looking for some extramarital fun.

 

Dean's kisses started to follow a line down Cas's chest, and stayed one step behind the hands that were working on the shirt.

 

When there were only three buttons left, Cas's stomach started to turn everything upside down, and breathing regulary wasn't an option any more.

“Dean...”

Dean, who was on his knees by then, left another kiss right over the newly undressed inch of skin, as his fingers worked up the last button and moved on the pant's belt. He looked up at Cas, smiling, hoping to sort of redeem himself by giving him the most incredible orgasm he could.

 

He saw Cas closing his eyes and biting his lip, and he hadn't even started yet.

He lowered his pants and slowly pulled down the boxer as well, releasing a not surprisingly hard cock.

He held it with his hand, and continued his trail of kisses, lightly posing his lips at the base and, very slowly, making his way to the head. He felt Cas getting even harder, and thought he must have been hating him, filled with impatience.

He flicked his tongue around the head, keeping an eye on Castiel's face, and wrapped his mouth around it. The sound Castiel spurred him to take it further.

 

He hadn't done this in ages: he had hooked up with a few guys after Cas before dating Lisa, but it was so down in the past, that now he was afraid he'd made a complete fool of himself.

He started to move back and forth, trying to go a little more down each time, nervously conscious of his teeth and using his tongue making room for Cas's cock.

 

He was so cought up in his job, that didn't realise a hand was caressing his hair until he heard

“Relax, you're doing great.”

 

He took a deep breath through his nose and pushed his mouth a little more down Cas's length, and started to move faster. Once he'd found his balance, everything felt more natural.

Castiel was now holding onto his hair, and maybe pushing a little bit Dean's head.

Not that he minded.

When he felt Cas on the edge, gasping and tensing up, he stopped. He stood up and said, to answer the confused expression,

 

“We still need to fuck.”

 

Castiel kissed him, tasting himself on the other's lips, and Dean was sure in the future he could get off at the sole memory of that.

 

He was still dressed and his body was hurting because of that, so he hastily took off his shirt and then went back to kiss Castiel, who gladly made sure to touch every single muscle on Dean's torso.

They both kicked off their shoes and pants, and they were finally naked and ready to move on the bed. They laid down, with Dean on top of Castiel, their body touching, and Cas hand opened a drawer of the near nightstand, finding what they needed without taking his eyes off Dean.

He handed the occurent to him, moving to position himself better, but Dean didn't take the stuff from his hand.

“Wait” he said, as he stopped the kissing.

 

“I want you to fuck me.” He growled, and then rolled off Cas and laid on his lap next to him. Castiel turned on his side and, worried, whispered.

“Are you sure? You've never...”

“I know, I know. Just... do it. Please. If you want.”

 

Castiel didn't need to be told twice, but he was still concerned about Dean.

As he poured some lube on his hand, he kept asking.

“Have you ever at least fingered yourself?”

“... yes”

 

He was now moving his hand between his buttcheeks, teasing the hole.

“Even after the wedding?”

It wasn't relevant, but he wanted to know. He wanted to know what Dean's life had been like.

“Yes. Yes, in the shower.”

 

Castiel slowly entered the first finger. Dean held his breath, trying not to think about the slight burn he was feeling. Suddenly, memories from their first time crashed his mind once more; they were in the same exact position, but with the roles reversed. He used to be very careful on making it as pleasurable as possible for Cas, and the nostalgia made him almost sick.

 

“You need to relax, Dean”

 

He released the air he'd been holding, grateful that Castiel was taking his time without showing any resentment to him.

After a while a second finger joined the first, and Dean grunted and moaned a little.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, keep going.”

Castiel felt free to move his fingers a little more than before, trying to stretch Dean as painlessly as he could.

When he felt it was time he added another finger, which was received with a growl of both pain and pleasure.

“Enough Cas, I want you now.”

Castiel had hoped he could give his little boy down there some rest, after the previous blow job, but he wasn't that lucky. Dean moans were low and raspy, the hottest sound he'd ever heard.

Laving his hand there, he kissed Dean's shoulder and brought his mouth near his ear.

He wasn't going to be the only one so painfully horny, he decided.

 

“I know you want my cock inside you, _Dean_. I'm guessing that's what you've been thinking about while fingering yourself, hiding from your wife, mh? Wishing to have my dick inside your ass, filling you whole.”

“Cas!”

“And yet, if you want to be able to take all of my cock, you need to be ready. Ready to be finally fucked.”

“Damn you, Cas!”

 

He was now moving his fingers enough, but a little teasing couldn't hurt.

 

“But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I misunderstood. So tell me, Dean, are you eager for me to fill you up?”

“Yes... yes, Cas, yes. Just fuck me already!”

 

Castiel smiled, left another kiss on Dean's back, and removed his hand. He used some more lube and rolled a condom down his length. He heard Dean's breath, recovering a little and impatient at the same time.

He moved to be more comfortable and spread Dean's legs a little more. When he thought it was the right time, he placed his member on the entrance and pushed a little. He saw Dean gripping the sheets, so he waited a bit before pushing more. After going on like this for a while, he heard Dean say in a very low voice.

“I'm good. You can spice it up.”

He started to move, slowly at first, and he sped up according to Dean's sounds and words.

 

They'd get to the point where Cas's thrusts were strong and fast, and Dean would arch and push his hips toward Cas, making room for the guy's hand to go under and touch him, with strokes coordinated with his thrusts. Dean moans were louder, and Cas kept kissing his back and his neck, whispering sometimes sweet and sometimes filthy things in his ear.

 

They came together, loudly and hard.

Castiel kissed Dean's back one last time, and rolled off him. They were both on their sides, facing each other. Both in the post orgasm, breathing softly, none of them daring to ruin the moment with words.

Time made its course differently, as if it slowed down a little just for them.

Dean was the one who broke the silence.

“I wish we could do this forever.”

Castiel thought of a very bitter response about how the could have, if Dean didn't fucked it up. But was it really his fault?

Maybe they just weren't meant to be, maybe they just needed this so they could move on for good.

“I do too.”

  
Dean sighed, and rolled on his back.

“I'm going to tell Sam about us. I don't know if about today too, but surely about our relationship.”

Cas's heart broke a little. They used to be so happy together.

“I'd really appreciate that, Dean. Thank you.”

“I owe it to you, you know. Consider it done by tonight. I don't know about Lisa, though.”

“Don't worry, I understand. You don't have to.”

“Cas, I'm... I...”

“I know.”

They kissed softly, one last time, and the magic ended.

 

Dean got dressed. He was about to write his number on a post it, but what good could that do?

 

So he left.

 

Cas heard the door closing, and looked at the dirty sheets and the used condom. He was glad this happened. One last time. He couldn't fall in the past trap, though, he couldn't start thinking all of the 'what if's. He decided shutting his mind was more effective instead, and so he fell asleep, hugging Dean's pillow.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> It's the first time I post something on this site, so I hope I got every tag right.  
> Also I apologize, English is not my first language, but I still wanted to try writing this. If I messed up grammar or syntax, please tell me, it would help a lot.  
> Anyway, I hope you liked it! It was meant to be a single one shot, but I was thinking about a prequel and a sequel, that's why I didn't explain the details of their fight. Let me know if you'd like that. Any kind of feedback is well accepted.  
> The verses at the beginning are from the song 'already gone' by Kelly Clarkson.


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